When we work with family members we can observe that they are driven by a common principle or force which Bert Hellinger (founder of “Systemic Family Constellations” – “Familienstellen/Familienaufstellung”) calls a family consciousness. When there’s harmony in the SYSTEM again “The Orders Of Love” – “Ordnungen der Liebe” (quote Bert Hellinger) are established again. The word “order” – “Ordnung” can be replaced by the word “LAW” from my point of view. There are certain LAWS in a family system. When they are not obeyed, acknowledged and respected CHAOS and ILLNESS can result. The dynamics within a family system are called “movement of the soul” – “Bewegungen der Seele” (quote Bert Hellinger) they flow towards the DEEPEST TRUTH that can be perceived at the time. The loving intent of the soul, the individual soul, the family soul, the tribal soul, and finally the soul of humanity can be seen in gentle interaction and unification. Movements of the soul are inner moves from separation to unity, from war to peace.
A client is living on the North-American continent, his child lives overseas with his mother. Suddenly everything seems to escalate. The son is taken away from his mother (who has full custody) by the Youth Welfare Department (Jugendamt). The father is desperate and asks me “What’s happening over there? I knew that she has problems with raising a child…. but I didn’t know that the situation is that bad.”
I choose to place just mother and son next to each other. The son feels very uncomfortable next to his mother. He turns the back to his mother and moves away. The mother is emotionless. She doesn’t care at all. She is not even aware of her child. She’s aware of nothing. She’s just standing still. She appears almost as being dead although she’s alive.
I put her mother behind her for support. Nothing happens. The grandmother is very uncomfortable. She turns her back to her daughter and walks away towards her grandson. She wants to support him with her love.
I put her father behind her for support. Nothing happens. The grandfather is very uncomfortable. He turns his back to his daughter and walks away. He stops beside his wife and behind his grandson. He wants to support him with his love.
Now the mother is kind of “waking up”. Everybody has left her. She turns around, looks at her parents and how they’re standing behind her child. She realizes that she has lost all her love ones and starts to cry.
I’m asking my client about this picture and he tells me that it seems absolutely right. He tells me that his ex-wife said “I can’t get a child unless my mother has died…” and he tells me that she abandoned her father and never let him see his grandson.
As the mother is not present I have to stop the constellation at that point. The solution for the mother would be to show repentance/remorse and ask her parents for forgiveness. She also would have to admit that she violated her role as a child. Best for her would be to kneel down in front of her parents, thank them for her life and acknowledge that she’s just the little one.
This would take a lot of burden from her child, who seems now to behave to her like she did to her parents.
Family Constellations show us very quickly honest solutions. Of course it’s up to the family members to accept them. If somebody shows no remorse and arrogantly insists on her belief that she is right there’s nothing that can be done… and the victim is always the child!